Carpentry Issues; Revisited. DEFCON FIVE.

So, those of you who read my past blog about the epic night of house alarm bedlam, recall that my problem solving approach is a progression of five steps.
My usual solution to problems is the following five-step progression:
1. If it's broken or not working, throw it away.
2. If you can't throw it away, put it under a pile of something else so you can pretend it's not there for a while.
3. If you can't put it under a pile of something else, use duct tape to fix it or patch it back together.
4. If you can't use duct tape then throw it at something or kick it swiftly.
5. If it's too big or too expensive to throw or kick, call dad.
The door that is growing ever closer to being officially bound for the wood chipper I’m still eyeing on Craig’s List, pushed me all the way to DEFCON Five.  Call Dad. 
My dad is hands down the coolest man I know.  For a bajillion reasons most of which involve him putting up with me like.  When I told him about this blog and the proliferation of eff bombs and inappropriate humor his first question was, “So….anyone can read this?” Indeed.  In terms of DEFCON response times, he’s legendary for saving the day and I am thinking of having a cape made for him for that reason. 

My Lack of Carpentry Skills and how it Nearly Got Me Arrested

Okay "arrested" is a harsh word and inaccurate, but the title grabbed you.  Admit it, you wanted to read about me getting cuffed, thrown in the back seat of a cop car, and dragged off to prison where my blog posts would be filled with Oz-like stories of avoiding prison rapes, making other inmates my bitches, and crafting shivs from smuggled toothbrushes and toilet paper.  I digress...

This does go a long way to add validity to my belief that my life really is a shit show.  I'm learning more and more each day how much my lack of basic life skills i.e.the ability to use a hammer and/or any other kind of "tool" is detrimental to my overall well-being.  Don't get me wrong, I am wicked "resourceful", like MacGyver level resourceful, but that does NOT directly translate into "handy."  The chasm between those two worlds is becoming painfully clear to me.