Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Carrie's Corner for Horrifyingly Bad Dating Advice

I recently got this email:

Dear Carrie, 
I am recently divorced as well and single.  I'm really unhappy and thought you might have some advice for me?  

First of all, holy crap.  I am probably the worst person on the planet to be offering advice on this front.  I deeply caution you to not take a word of this to heart. I don't know why YOU are single.  I am because the men I am attracted to tend to be morons, emotionally stunted mama's boys, or otherwise broken in some capacity.  It's a gift that I find them so readily and with such a diverse subset of reasons to suck.

Guys, don't be offended if we've ever dated and you're reading this.  This post isn't about you.  (This post is totally about you.)

Dating Tip #1:
Be happy about being single.  Say, you're 30 years old.  You could realistically live another 60 years or more.  Do you realize how long 60 years of your life is when you are with the same person?  That's a long ass time.  I don't care how funny or smart or cute they are.  They will suck exponentially over the coming decades.

Dating Tip #2:
Your mom was right.  No one is going to buy the ice cream truck if you are giving away the cones for free... but if you just want to get your cone licked from time to time, well, then go with it.

Dating Tip #3:
Invest in some good, well, hardware.  Several settings, bells, whistles, the whole nine yards.  Get really good at taking care of your own business.  This isn't so much dating advice as it is an important life lesson all women should learn.

Dating Tip #4:
With the proliferation of phones with cameras and everyone texting and on FB, you may want to consider putting your phone in the freezer when you are going on a bender.  Naked pictures are also dangerous.  Not just because you don't know where they will end up, but if you aren't naturally flexible and don't stretch first you may pull a muscle trying to get the right angles.

Dating Tip #5:
Be picky.  There are a million guys out there just waiting to disappoint you with their plethora of shortcomings.  Decide which shortcomings YOU can live with before you decide to commit.

Dating Tip #6:
Dating doesn't have to get serious right away.  Think of this single time as a shopping trip for a new outfit.  You can try on all kinds of things you wouldn't normally buy including the 22 year old coffee Barista at Starbucks with the soul patch or the 25 year old trainer at your gym with abs you could scrub your laundry on...    

Dating Tip #7:
Um... I'm still single, however happily, so I probably don't have the best advice to dole out.  
(But if you find a 25 year old with the abs...go for it.  That one has never let me down.)  


  1. you have already have posted my have nothing to add here

  2. my stomache hurts from laughing out loud... I will deff. be sharing this with a few friends :)

  3. These are actually REALLY good tips!!! And I was SRSLY LOL'ing!