Thursday, January 26, 2012

Eff Sleep: Pipe Dreams and Other Dream-like Things I’m Too Tired to Understand

candleThe other night, I was sleeping soundly and I woke up suddenly to a text message and realized I was dreaming of doing Kettle bell swings with a giant clock ticking off the minutes.  I’m a dreamer, not in the John Lennon sort of way, but in the whilst sleeping some crazy shit happens behind my eyelids. I also walk in my sleep, talk, and sometimes even do lunges. Okay, that happened once, but it freaked me out a little bit anyways.

I also regularly wake up to the imagined “bing” of a new incoming message or meeting reminder on Outlook (I have four email accounts) or formulate emails responses during my dreams that are sheer genius.  I’m always running late in la la land  (but that’s sorta true in real life as well.)  I am also regularly chased, or chasing, being hunted, and for some reason alligators are a common character in my dreams.  Sometimes they smoke cigarettes.  I have no idea what that part means.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Eff and Other Words does E-Cards: Suck it Hallmark

PrettysureLast year on Valentine’s Day I was single and I was not the happy recipient of a boyfriend love fest card/flowers/chocolates like a lot of the women I know.  In fact, I don’t even remember much of it – I’m fairly certain I blocked it out or drank my way through it all.

This year will be different… not because I have a date.  I don’t.  BUT, I have some fantastical ways to tell the significant and insignificant others in your life how you feel.   Courtesy of, and EFF approved, I’m introducing a FREE line of e-cards to be shared en masse. alone

There are cards being added each day and I assure you there will be one for you and the one you love/don’t love/dislike a great deal/just want to make out with in the mix somewhere.

So check out the page HERE and make it an Effable Valentine’s Day! 

I know I will. 

Friday, January 20, 2012

The Break-up: On Skype… Because of Twitter

phone-callAh, remember the days when dating meant waiting anxiously by the phone waiting for it to ring? The wondering if he would call the next day or three days later when you’d been pacing furiously wondering if he really liked how your hair looked in the moon light.  Now, with a fully charged smart phones the wait is over.  It’s immediate feedback, immediate interaction, immediate gratification… but why does it feel so personally impersonal? 

Last year I was dating someone who lived in another state.  We’d been able to get together a few times and we always had a great time.  Long distance relationships are tricky and he admittedly didn’t like talking on the phone.  With the plethora of digital platforms, we began using Skype, Facebook, Twitter, and text to stay in communication.  At first, it was fun seeing what he was up to and with mutual friends we were able to interact and text all the time when we were apart. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


I’m a blogger. A creator of new content and a voice in a sea of millions.  My shit is hard enough to find as it is, but the proposed SOPA legislation would make that even more real and even more lame. 

I don’t know HOW to black out my blog because I can barely use my iPod, but if I could I would except that it would be like any other day with my mom and four friends reading my drivel. 

Internet piracy is bad.  I get that.  In fact, I think something needs to be done.  But if you censor the internet, the pirates still win and the joy of “Eff” will be lost to the world.   I will be DAMNED if I will live in a world where Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest are no longer.  Pinterest alone is hours of daily entertainment for me. 

Don’t let the government stifle the independent artists ability to speak out and speak up and for God’s sake… to drop the Eff bomb.  That’s right.  The Eff bomb.  It will become censorship-alooza.   I say FUCK THAT.  What do you say?


Who’s striking and why?  Find out HERE. 

Want to do something about it? Go HERE.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Eff Parenting: The Household Staff

gosfordL2707_468x455Managing a household with growing children can be a challenge.  My girls are expected to help out around the house and I refuse to do things for them that they can do for themselves.  They don’t always appreciate the expectation. 

So, when my children ask me to do things for them that they can clearly do for themselves, I've taken to telling them, "I'll notify the household staff".  I then pretend to call someone on an ear piece, conduct a sometimes lengthy imaginary conversation, and then relay to my children with feigned disappointment that I've been told, coincidentally, we don't actually HAVE household staff.

My younger one, Cate loves this game.  Full of hope and naiveté that such a staff is on standby somewhere she waits patiently and listens. My older one, Taylor immediately rolls her eyes and walks away. I'll sometimes write it down for her and then stop by her room with it, and tell her someone has left her an urgent message. She dislikes that a great deal.  I use lots of smiley faces and stars in the note.

I’m making my children more self-reliant… one sarcastic conversation at a time. 

Eff Parenting: Fashion Forward

cate8The challenges of parenting in this day and age are oftentimes overwhelming.  I’m introducing a new segment to “Eff” that bears this in mind.  It’s going to be called Eff Parenting.  As a single mother, I am constantly balancing the act and I have chosen, I believe wisely, what behaviors to correct and what tendencies to encourage.  Cultivating a unique fashion sense is something that has free reign in my house.  To that end… meet my Cate. 

When my daughter Cate was born, it was after being in active labor for seven days. Yes, seven days.  My pregnancy with Cate was one for the ages.  I had hyperemesis gravidarum which is fancy talk for extreme morning sickness, except that it’s not just in the morning.  It’s constant and debilitating.  I was treated several times for dehydration and would routinely use my desk trash can when it would hit suddenly.  Additionally, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and spent the greater part of that nine months eating and then throwing up really, really bland food. 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Real Text Messages I’ve Gotten This Week

I posted a blog about actual text messages I get on my phone.  And this is the second installment.  I wish I could make this up.  Enjoy the random.
Texts to Me
“No better way to start your day than coffee, being late for work, and being arrested on the way there.”
Text to me: “I’m pretty sure I forgot where you live.”  9:19PM
Second text to me: “Yes, I’m at a house right now and this nice woman says you don’t live here…” 9:27PM
“I’d like to move to Jamba Juice.  Like, inside the lobby.  LIVE there.  You can come.”
imagejpeg_3“Look what I’m doing!  (you’ll appreciate this).  Dragging this hand over hand up my driveway!  Fun!!!  (see LARGE tire pic)
“If you don’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, I’ll buy you a cat.”
“Jewish means they have been circumcised right?”
“I realized today how much being gay has improved my appearance.  I’m way hotter gay.” 
“Your kid stab anyone at school today?”
Texts I’ve sent this week:
“PS… I stalked your page and saw the ketchup quote.  I eat ketchup on everything.  I am gay for ketchup.”
“Fuck Hydrogen.  I’ve never liked noble gasses.”
“I feel like I am walking like a hunchback cowboy.”
“You can always find the answer in a gangsta rap lyric.  Always.”
“Are you going to the gym today?  My soul died on the stair climber yesterday and I need to retrieve it.”

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Lame Date? The Crying Lawyer and the Drive-by

Since my dating shame spiral that began circa 1995 I’ve racked up a lot of experiences on the deep (and dark) end of the dating pool. Never one to just dip my toe, I generally cannonball into the shark infested waters and I’ve got the flesh wounds to prove it. I spent over an hour last night with some friends online talking about all things “bad dating” and it inspired me to share some of my stories in a new series where I'll assess dates for their lame status.  Lame isn't an exact science, more of an art form really of which my life has been the canvas.  Let's get right down to it...

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Sweet Berry Chicken and Jehovah’s Witnesses

I have an obsession with a salad from a restaurant in town called Runza.  It’s a sweet berry chicken salad and it’s comprised of all the best things on earth.  Packed with craisins, feta cheese, walnuts, grilled chicken, and lettuce it’s nearly perfect.  You don’t even need dressing, although it does come with an amazing poppy seed vinaigrette.  I once had three in one day.  But this post isn’t about the salad and it’s not even really about Jehovah’s Witnesses…really just one.  The one who nearly ran me off the road and then, even worse, cut in front of me at the drive-thru delaying my food coma.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Stranger Danger: Tweets from the Dark Side

stranger-dangerI received a Tweet today from @eleasebreal that said simply, “@CarrieRADams, Heya its me, I forgot to share with you this..” and then a link to a website entitled:  My immediate reply was, “Is it an assumption that I need to get laid now?” I also got a Tweet at roughly the same time indicating I had won a FREE grocery card.  Clearly, I should have bought a lottery ticket today.

I mean, I wasn’t going to confirm or deny the necessity of getting laid immediately, and I recognize that it’s merely twitter guerilla spamming, but I couldn’t help but feel that somehow her random searching of the Twitter interwebs, and of all the people to spam, I was one of the first. I think I was the seventh actually. I’m either emitting some kind of beacon, like a a pathetic bat signal of alone-ness or I am just an unwitting recipient of LOTS of spam regarding my love life (or lack thereof.)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Baking Soda: The Most Underappreciated Medium

coffee2There are a few things you should know about me.  I drink a great deal of coffee, I like bacon and eat it every day (and by like, I mean we’re in a relationship).  I also work from home so I get to hang out with my four-year-old Cate AND I spend a great deal of time in my sweat pants.  I’m working on changing that in 2012, but it’s slow progress.

Also, I am a selective control freak so I compartmentalize my day into segments.  There is the, “don’t fuck with me, I haven’t had coffee”segment first thing in the morning.  The, “don’t fuck with me, I haven’t eaten lunch yet”, the “don’t fuck with me I’m almost done working” segment, the “don’t fuck with me I have to get to the gym” and finally the “don’t fuck with me I haven’t had a glass of wine” segment.  That one is my favorite.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Love Advice… You Asked For It.

loveSo, I’ve been getting all kinds of questions from the readers… about love.  While I sigh loudly and shake my head in disappointment that you keep asking, I will continue to weigh in because I can’t help myself from helping you.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  

So, if you’ve been paying attention, love advice isn’t new on Eff… the first installment came on July 20th.  Read it if you dare.  Then Volume I and Volume II were written.  I have enough material to write a novel so I won’t run out of things to share, but I want to hear from YOU.  So, if you have a question for me in the love department, email me at  I assure you, I will keep you anonymous.  Unless you are an ex-boyfriend then I will include photos, phone numbers, and last known addresses.

Consider me your personal bedazzled Hello Kitty Pez dispenser of all the love advice candy you can eat. 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

When Spam Can Promote World Peace-ish

slowclapI received this email from Dr. Evangelina Helms ( and woman to woman, I felt like it needed a response.  The artistic level of this spam is notable and her intent so heartwarming, I also desperately wanted to start a slow clap like the one at the end of the movie Lucas when the title character, played by Corey Haim, sees the letter jacket hanging in his locker after the big game and it’s eight sizes too big for him but the football team (who has to be comprised of actors in their mid thirties), finally give the little guy the respect that he desperately craves.