Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Lame Date? The Crying Lawyer and the Drive-by

Since my dating shame spiral that began circa 1995 I’ve racked up a lot of experiences on the deep (and dark) end of the dating pool. Never one to just dip my toe, I generally cannonball into the shark infested waters and I’ve got the flesh wounds to prove it. I spent over an hour last night with some friends online talking about all things “bad dating” and it inspired me to share some of my stories in a new series where I'll assess dates for their lame status.  Lame isn't an exact science, more of an art form really of which my life has been the canvas.  Let's get right down to it...

My first tale involves a man who ‘on paper’ was fabulous. I call them Gourmet Guys. They look good enough to eat. Pretty, shiny men with white teeth, fantastic educations, stellar jobs, excellent credit ratings, and no noticeable flaws. He was an attorney with a firm in town and our first date was a big one. It was at a party where he was being announced partner. I got to dress up which is a rarity but a fun one. The party was a snooze and so was my date. He also seemed nervous and downed a few mixed drinks and when he dropped me off we proceeded to exchange the most awkward kiss in human history. He asked me for a dinner date later on in the week on my doorstep, and I politely turned him down. He left without incident.

At 3 A.M. I was awakened by his car parked outside my house blaring Bonnie Rait’s, “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” I think he was crying. Apparently, he had gone to a nearby bar drank his weight in whiskey and hatched the drive-by plan. I can only assume that he thought it was a good way to get my attention and it did. I called the cops.

Eff Approved Lame Date.

We never spoke again, and I have no idea what women he is kissing awkwardly these days. I am completely okay with that.
Do you have your own Lame Date Submission? Email them to me at carrie@effandotherwords.com and you could get your very own Eff Approved Stamp. 


  1. lesson: never date attorneys. We suck.

  2. I have an epic worst date ever. I give you...The Tiger!!


    No, joke that is my worst date story, I even have the acceptance email from My Very Worst Date.com to prove it.

  3. OMG Tiger nibble! That's fantastic. I'm a fan. A huge one that doesn't like trance music or caterpillars.

  4. A good friend of mine met a guy for dinner after several weeks of chatting online. When she arrived, he was waiting in the booth. She had been debating whether to shake his hand or hug him, as this was their first time meeting face to face. Turns out the debate was moot as he had no arms. At all. None. Stumps at the shoulders. She was flummoxed. Not so much because of this physical irregularity, as because he had not chosen to ever mention it at all. Never even alluded to it. Of course, things spiraled from there.

  5. oh my god.....Carrie I love the way you write so you could be dictating your to do list and I think I would laugh..but this is too much...seriously it is too early in the morning and I have not had enough coffee yet for this...it is so nice to know I am not the only one out there shaking my head in disbelief after a date...and trust me though I am sure some dude out there is blogging about his worst date ever and well...its all about me : )

  6. . . . . what Amelia said X 1,000,000,000 . . . WTF, a "date" to a party where he was being announced as partner?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!? That should have alerted you it would be a fail for the following reasons: (1) the party would be filled with douchebag lawyers, (2) total lack of separation of personal life from douchebag professional life, (3) what better way to advertise that you are an arrogant douchebag by taking someone on a first date to a "hey, I'm the king of the world/horray for me" party, and (4) lawyers are douchebags.