Monday, February 13, 2012

Eff Valentine’s Day: My Rant for YOU

Rose On Wood BWI know what you’re thinking… here comes a Valentine’s day fuckfest of a rant from an angry, bitter, and perpetually single white woman.  And I won’t pretend I didn’t start and delete a post like that about a dozen times, but that’s really not my message.  So, I’ll rant, and I’ll rail a bit, but it’s not against anyone, especially not mankind.  My rant is actually for you.  So suck it, Valentine’s Day.  It’s not about you anymore. 

Red Flags Revealed

So Eff.  It’s almost Valentine’s Day and have absolutely no plans that involve any kind of romantic anything.  It's true.  Nothing like running your single flag up the flagpole for everyone to see.  And speaking of flags… I have a new friend/knowledge dropper I’d like you to meet. 

100 Red Flags LogoYou’ve already been introduced to my friend Tristan and his timely insights into men’s emotionally retarded tendencies was a good one… but I also have another source of wisdom on my dream team of dating advisors.  I am pleased (and thankful) to introduce you to one of my new friends and 1/2 the brain power of the site 100 Red Flags, Ryan Luedecke.  His site is dedicated to listing 100 red flags as to why women are single.  Their knowledge is vast, their insights are compelling, and their use of the eff bomb is always well-placed.  These guys are good, and thankfully I follow instructions well.  (I am also guilty of far too many of their red flags so I have my work cut out for me… I’ll let you guess which ones.  Hint: I did NOT go to Notre Dame.) 

For their first ruminations on love (or lack there of) I told them to take it easy on me and lay down some first date red flags… Ryan delivered in spades. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

Tristan Speaks: The Eff Calvary Has Arrived…FINALLY

woman-confusedWhen I was nine I made this boy I liked cookies because I thought he was cute.  I made them from scratch and by myself watching them rise slowly in the oven, making sure they were the perfect shade of brown.  I wrapped them carefully in a paper bag I decorated with little pink and red hearts I cut out of construction paper and glued them meticulously into patterns on the side of the bag.  I was so nervous walking up to him to give him the bag I almost peed my Rainbow Bright underwear. 

When I presented them to him with, “They’re chocolate chip macadamia nut, you’re favorite.”  He unceremoniously took the bag, ripped it open, stuffed two in his mouth, and walked away.  I was devastated.  He was oblivious.  And so that same pattern would play out over my adult dating life from the petty: unreturned phone calls to the extreme: sleeping with other women without my knowledge or permission.  It’s been a vast spectrum of dumb ever since. 

Eff Conventionalism: A to B is Lame

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A friend sent me this picture last night.  When I read the bottom part the first time, I totally heard Morgan Freeman's voice saying it like, "What. (pause) The Hell.  (pause) Is Happening”.  (Like, without a question mark at the end.  A period.  And calm, because he’s Morgan Freeman and it just sounds so bad ass how he says it.)

Then I thought of OTHER celebrity voices saying the same line.  Alec Baldwin’s silky, snobby voice saying it all condescending, “What the HELLLL is happening”?  then adjusting his cuff links with elegant annoyance. 

Vincent Price’s version was pretty awesome in my head too.  More sinister and with his evil laugh at the end.  Liam Neeson’s accent made it kinda cool, but he was more angry about it when he said it, like how he was in the movie Taken, and his voice rose with each word like, “WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!”  And I pictured him on his knees and looking at they sky shaking his fists at God.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy was pretty rad too.  I did all the characters of Family Guy actually.  My daughter was sitting next to me when I did that.  She kept asking me, “What are you laughing at”?  When I would giggle to myself. 

Michael Jackson said it all scared and hurried like, “whatthehellishappening” and then did a spin and grabbed his crotch.  There was the guy from the All State Commercials, whose name I don’t know… (at this point I then tried to name all the shows/movies he’s been in and yet I’ve never known his actual name.)

So, these incoherent ramblings have nothing to do with the actual picture’s content which I think was her point in sending it, but I know she’ll appreciate that I spent 30 minutes doing bad celebrity impersonations of the same line in my head for entertainment purposes.  That could be why I’m not in the A -----> B category. 

In unrelated news, I’m easily distracted. 

Happy Friday.  (Said in the voice of Morgan Freeman.)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

How Being a Girl Makes Understanding Dudes a Challenge: A Cry For Help Answered

8865212-love-hearts-drawing-on-a-school-chalkboardWhile my life itself hasn’t exactly been a “how to” tutorial on awesome decisions in the love department, I’m actually a pretty smart woman with a high dose of common sense.  I could go on here announcing my credibility as a “not crazy” woman but I will just leave it at this: I’m not an idiot.

There isn’t any ONE thing I feel like I need to know.  No lifelong challenge or sudden onset issue that has me stumped.  It’s sort of all of it… I mean, it’s been argued that men are simple creatures, and while I agree, I’ve always wanted an inside advantage into the male mind.  All its charms and simplicities fascinate me and admittedly, I am a strategic thinker and any advantage is one I’d like to know about.  I have a lot of male friends and training partners and they have all been helpful mentors in my  less than graceful navigations of the dating world. 

I’ve blogged about My Boys in my other blog last July just before I turned 30.  (You know the serious one where I don’t use the eff bomb.)  I know some pretty rad guys who aren’t in my dating pool who have always been quick with feedback and insight for me.