Thursday, February 9, 2012

How Being a Girl Makes Understanding Dudes a Challenge: A Cry For Help Answered

8865212-love-hearts-drawing-on-a-school-chalkboardWhile my life itself hasn’t exactly been a “how to” tutorial on awesome decisions in the love department, I’m actually a pretty smart woman with a high dose of common sense.  I could go on here announcing my credibility as a “not crazy” woman but I will just leave it at this: I’m not an idiot.

There isn’t any ONE thing I feel like I need to know.  No lifelong challenge or sudden onset issue that has me stumped.  It’s sort of all of it… I mean, it’s been argued that men are simple creatures, and while I agree, I’ve always wanted an inside advantage into the male mind.  All its charms and simplicities fascinate me and admittedly, I am a strategic thinker and any advantage is one I’d like to know about.  I have a lot of male friends and training partners and they have all been helpful mentors in my  less than graceful navigations of the dating world. 

I’ve blogged about My Boys in my other blog last July just before I turned 30.  (You know the serious one where I don’t use the eff bomb.)  I know some pretty rad guys who aren’t in my dating pool who have always been quick with feedback and insight for me. 
“You have a wife on Facebook.  That doesn’t send the right signal.  It sends a homosexual signal.”
“You never give out your actual phone number.”
“You snort when you laugh which makes you laugh harder and then your snort even harder, more laughter…more snorting…”
“You talk about poop a lot.”
“The word “pussy” is not a term of endearment.”
“When I listen to your collection of obscure emo music it makes me want to kill myself.  It’s hard to think about sex when you’re in that mindset.”
While these are all helpful constructive comments, I’ve been fortunate enough to get not one but TWO sources of in-depth guidance offered in recent weeks.  My good friend and dhoti-wearing, pescatarian Buddhist friend Jason Jaksetic has become a translator of all things “male” for me inasmuch as I provide the same insight for him about women.  We will regularly be giving some “He said” and “She said” advice on Eff, with the first installment being Jason tackling the age old question, “Why are men emotionally retarded?”  You have to read his blog by the way,  In addition to being emotionally retarded, he’s also a fantastic writer.  (He uses big words and complex themes sometimes so don’t drink and read his stuff, your brain will explode inside your head).
I’ve also recently started chatting with the boys over at, a website dedicated to pointing out the red flags of potential females of which I categorically have about 85 out of 100.  Ryan and Bill are two rad dudes who will be teaming up with me to give you some simple instructions on how to avoid the veritable shit show of love by using common sense and some advice from their expert minds. 
It’s like the advice cavalry has arrived… and not a second too soon either.  It’s almost Valentine’s Day.  You KNOW I’ll have something to say about that. 


  1. Um, I'm SO glad that you are talking to the 100 red flags boys! Love it!

    1. Thanks to YOU. Happy Valentine's Day BTW, I got you a battle ax. That's romantic, right?

    2. So hot, though I might prefer a Fiskars. Does this make me weird that an axe turns me on? More than flowers or chocolate?

  2. You just need to find a man that doesn't own a phone, poops in front of you, snorts while f'ing you(it is a passionate snort not a laughing snort)who enjoys emu music (I didn't know animals could play music)and gets hot and bothered when you whisper "come here my little pussy wussy.....

    1. Does such a perfect man exist? The dreamer in me would like to think so.

    2. My wife often snorts when she laughs, and laughs during sex, and thus snorts during sex. It's great. Depending on the intensity, I love the emo (but we're older so for us its the Smiths). The ish, methinks, is whether you like the kind of guy that would like you back. If you're chasing the kind of dude who watches football and drives a humvee, he's probably looking for a Barbie doll who's too busy doing other things with her mouth to have any sort of conversation.