Kissing Frogs

No one should ask me for love advice... but people do.  I don't know why, but I reply and oftentimes I actually sound like I know what I'm talking about.  While I have absolutely no experience nor do I have any degree of any kind in this arena, I'm not bad in a pinch or on a budget.  I should be studied actually.  My ability to help others while simultaneously doing dumb things in my own life is probably some kind of new science we haven't discovered.

So, here is a random sampling of what I've received and my blanket response to the question about the relationship status of, "Ehhhh, I dunno..."

Dear Carrie,
My on-again off-again ex is currently in on-again mode.  Things go great until they fall apart.  He has said he wants to move in but then we get in a fight and I don’t hear from him for days.  I don’t know how to make it work.  When it’s good, it’s really good.  When it’s bad, it’s really bad.  What the eff am I doing?
-J.M.

Dear Carrie,
I’m single, in my mid thirties with no kids.  I would LOVE to get married and have babies and the guys I’m dating just aren’t quite there, but I make excuses and stay in them too long knowing it will probably fall apart.  The guy I’m dating now is okay, but I just get weird vibes.  Something is off.  Do I stay?  What do I do to break this cycle?
-D.D.

Dear Carrie,
I’m pretty sure I’m with Mr. Wrong, but is there a Mr. Right?  Not sure the grass is greener…
-R.W.

When I was in college I dated this guy who was REALLY cute but not very bright.  And I made excuses for a few weeks that it was okay that he wasn’t very bright because the hot quotient filled the gaps.  But every time we’d go out and he’s go on moronically about how his literature teacher was so lame for making them read so much, or how he didn't understand why so many credit hours were required for graduation I’d die a little inside. He spoke bro, wore knit caps when it was hot out, and refused to tie his shoelaces.  I'm thinking now that he probably didn't know HOW... my point is, I was settling.  When all you have in common is smoothie flavors you don't tend to make it last.

As an adult in the dating world we’re met with a lot of the same bullshit and we know better but we don't do anything about it.  We’re lonely, we’re bored, we want babies, we’re tired of the game, we are too lazy to leave, or our biological clock is ticking so loudly we can’t hear anything else.  It's okay to admit that it isn't what you want anymore or maybe it wasn't even what you wanted in the first place.

Don’t be angry when your frogs hop offs your lily pad… be grateful.  Cut your losses and move forward.  You probably learned something, right?  Maybe my college boy wonder learned how to tie his shoes!  You can't waste your time wondering what could have been either, your frog might be another woman's prince charming - sometimes that is how the actual fairy tale ends.  He doesn't have to be an asshole to be wrong for you.  A relationship not working doesn't mean one of you has to be a villain.

The bottom line is that you’re going to be wrong.  A lot. That’s the deal. In fact, you’re wrong 100% of the time, until you’re right.  And that means you could wind up kissing a lot frogs first.

Eff Valentine’s Day: My Rant for YOU

I know what you’re thinking… here comes a Valentine’s day fuckfest of a rant from an angry, bitter, and perpetually single white woman.  And I won’t pretend I didn’t start and delete a post like that about a dozen times, but that’s really not my message.  So, I’ll rant, and I’ll rail a bit, but it’s not against anyone, especially not mankind.  My rant is actually for you.  So suck it, Valentine’s Day.  It’s not about you anymore. 

Tristan Speaks: The Eff Calvary Has Arrived…FINALLY

When I was nine I made this boy I liked cookies because I thought he was cute.  I made them from scratch and by myself watching them rise slowly in the oven, making sure they were the perfect shade of brown.  I wrapped them carefully in a paper bag I decorated with little pink and red hearts I cut out of construction paper and glued them meticulously into patterns on the side of the bag.  I was so nervous walking up to him to give him the bag I almost peed my Rainbow Bright underwear. 

When I presented them to him with, “They’re chocolate chip macadamia nut, you’re favorite.”  He unceremoniously took the bag, ripped it open, stuffed two in his mouth, and walked away.  I was devastated.  He was oblivious.  And so that same pattern would play out over my adult dating life from the petty: unreturned phone calls to the extreme: sleeping with other women without my knowledge or permission.  It’s been a vast spectrum of dumb ever since. 

Eff Conventionalism: A to B is Lame

A friend sent me this picture last night.  When I read the bottom part the first time, I totally heard Morgan Freeman's voice saying it like, "What. (pause) The Hell.  (pause) Is Happening”.  (Like, without a question mark at the end.  A period.  And calm, because he’s Morgan Freeman and it just sounds so bad ass how he says it.)

Then I thought of OTHER celebrity voices saying the same line.  Alec Baldwin’s silky, snobby voice saying it all condescending, “What the HELLLL is happening”?  then adjusting his cuff links with elegant annoyance. 

Vincent Price’s version was pretty awesome in my head too.  More sinister and with his evil laugh at the end.  Liam Neeson’s accent made it kinda cool, but he was more angry about it when he said it, like how he was in the movie Taken, and his voice rose with each word like, “WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!”  And I pictured him on his knees and looking at they sky shaking his fists at God.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy was pretty rad too.  I did all the characters of Family Guy actually.  My daughter was sitting next to me when I did that.  She kept asking me, “What are you laughing at”?  When I would giggle to myself. 

Michael Jackson said it all scared and hurried like, “whatthehellishappening” and then did a spin and grabbed his crotch.  There was the guy from the All State Commercials, whose name I don’t know… (at this point I then tried to name all the shows/movies he’s been in and yet I’ve never known his actual name.)

So, these incoherent ramblings have nothing to do with the actual picture’s content which I think was her point in sending it, but I know she’ll appreciate that I spent 30 minutes doing bad celebrity impersonations of the same line in my head for entertainment purposes.  That could be why I’m not in the A -----> B category. 

In unrelated news, I’m easily distracted. 

Happy Friday.  (Said in the voice of Morgan Freeman.)

How Being a Girl Makes Understanding Dudes a Challenge: A Cry For Help Answered

While my life itself hasn’t exactly been a “how to” tutorial on awesome decisions in the love department, I’m actually a pretty smart woman with a high dose of common sense.  I could go on here announcing my credibility as a “not crazy” woman but I will just leave it at this: I’m not an idiot.

There isn’t any ONE thing I feel like I need to know.  No lifelong challenge or sudden onset issue that has me stumped.  It’s sort of all of it… I mean, it’s been argued that men are simple creatures, and while I agree, I’ve always wanted an inside advantage into the male mind.  All its charms and simplicities fascinate me and admittedly, I am a strategic thinker and any advantage is one I’d like to know about.  I have a lot of male friends and training partners and they have all been helpful mentors in my  less than graceful navigations of the dating world. 

I’ve blogged about My Boys in my other blog last July just before I turned 30.  (You know the serious one where I don’t use the eff bomb.)  I know some pretty rad guys who aren’t in my dating pool who have always been quick with feedback and insight for me. 

Eff and Other Words does E-Cards: Suck it Hallmark

Last year on Valentine’s Day I was single and I was not the happy recipient of a boyfriend love fest card/flowers/chocolates like a lot of the women I know.  In fact, I don’t even remember much of it – I’m fairly certain I blocked it out or drank my way through it all.

This year will be different… not because I have a date.  I don’t.  BUT, I have some fantastical ways to tell the significant and insignificant others in your life how you feel.   Courtesy of, and EFF approved, I’m introducing a FREE line of e-cards to be shared en masse.

There are cards being added each day and I assure you there will be one for you and the one you love/don’t love/dislike a great deal/just want to make out with in the mix somewhere.

So check out the page HERE and make it an Effable Valentine’s Day! 

I know I will.