There are a few things you should know about me. I drink a great deal of coffee, I like bacon and eat it every day (and by like, I mean we’re in a relationship). I also work from home so I get to hang out with my four-year-old Cate AND I spend a great deal of time in my sweat pants. I’m working on changing that in 2012, but it’s slow progress.
Also, I am a selective control freak so I compartmentalize my day into segments. There is the, “don’t fuck with me, I haven’t had coffee”segment first thing in the morning. The, “don’t fuck with me, I haven’t eaten lunch yet”, the “don’t fuck with me I’m almost done working” segment, the “don’t fuck with me I have to get to the gym” and finally the “don’t fuck with me I haven’t had a glass of wine” segment. That one is my favorite.
This morning, during a particularly rough DFWMIHHC moment , (That’s the first one, I didn’t write it all out because I’m hungry. I’m writing this one in the “don’t fuck with me I haven’t eaten lunch yet” segment, so don’t fuck with me) my younger daughter marched into the kitchen where I was waiting desperately for my coffee to be ready.
I knew she was about to get demanding. Standing defiantly at my right side she bellowed, “MOOOOOOOM. CHEEEEEEEEEERIOS. MOOOOOOOOOM! MOM!”
Fumbling, and near blind from a lack of caffeine I grabbed the box of Cheerios and my hand caught a container of something else, knocking it (rather violently) on the floor, a white powdery explosion erupting around us both and subsequently scattering across a stretch of the hardwood floor. As the dust settled, my first concern was what the powdery white substance was. My fear was that it was my Belgian Chocolate Toffee Coffeemate and then I’d be forced to cry openly in front of my child.
Introduced to Coffeemate by my best friend Katy McCabe, it’s now a staple in my house. While driving from Virginia to Vermont she instructed me on the magical powers of the sweetener saying, “Add it until the coffee is J. Lo colored.” Although, upon further research J. Lo has been many shades so I prefer J. Lo from the P. Diddy years. It’s like DESSERT.
Identifying that it was baking soda on the ground and NOT Coffeemate I was able to exhale the breath I had been holding. *Enter extreme annoyance.* I didn’t have a broom and my vacuum cleaner was upstairs. The shock of the mess even silenced Cate, however temporarily. We both stood, stunned, staring down at the pile of white stuff, the drip of the coffee percolating the only sound in the kitchen.
“See?” she sad looking up at me, “Happy face!”
Standing upright again, she took the cereal box from my hand and toddled over to the kitchen table for breakfast.
I erupted with laughter. Then I poured a cup of coffee and added extreme amounts of Belgian Chocolate Toffee Coffeemate until it was reminiscent of Jenny from the Block circa 2000. And then, in the mess on the floor, and with Cate sitting next to me munching on her cereal, I drew a dog, then a moon, then a fish, a star, and finally a cat. It’s head is too big for the body and I forgot to give it a mouth so it will starve to death, but it’s an okay cat and it was her favorite.
Lesson of the day: It’s still not a good idea to fuck with me before I’ve had my coffee… but AFTER I’ve had coffee I can draw an awesome fucking cat.