Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Carrie's Corner for Horrifyingly Bad Dating Advice: YOUR Questions Answered

I love the people who read my blog, I really do.  My original post on dating advice has been my most popular so far.  I don't know if I should be flattered or if it should serve as a message to me and a warning to others.

I don't know how, or why anyone saw any merit in my last post offering dating advice, but I did get a whole host of responses which I answered directly.   I'd like to share those with you.  I've shortened the names to protect the innocent... and the sad....except for you "Big Tony."  I gave additional details on you.

Dear Carrie,
I read your blog post and I think you may be onto something.  Keep up the good work.  One question, do you think it's okay to go home with a guy on the first date?

Dear A.W.
I have to tell you that this one hinges entirely on the home in question.  Lake house in a gated community - Yes.  Crack House - No.

Dear Carrie,
I started dating this guy and he texts me but never calls unless it's late at night.  What does that mean?


Dear C.D.
Ah texting.  Texting is impersonal and it's easy.  Get a guy to actually call you and you're getting somewhere, get a guy to call you at 2 A.M. that "somewhere" is your pants.  You've been warned.

Yo Carrie,
I'm a single dude.  You look hot.  Let's party.
Big Tony
(I did some research.  "Big Tony" is Anthony Stutzman, Brooklyn, NY)

Dear Anthony,
I did NOT respond to you directly because, well, I didn't want to.  I appreciate your succinct message, but, there are three things I need you to know:
1. "Yo" is not a proper greeting the first time you make contact with a person, especially if you think said person is hot.
2. I don't know what "party" means to you and I don't want to find out.
3. Men who refer to themselves as "Big" remind me of fat guys nicknamed "Tiny".  Ya dig?  

Dear Carrie,
I love your blog.  I think it's really well-written.  You have obviously had some bad luck in the love department.  Our company has some great chances for you to meet local singles in your area and the best part is, there's no pressure!  Let us help you find the man of your dreams.  
Dating Service Not to be Named (I need these bitches)

Dear Dating Service Not to be Named,
I appreciate you reaching out.  The fact that a person sat and wrote this out to ME and my having "bad luck in the love department" is quite humiliating. Don't get me wrong, I'm appreciative I just feel badly for you and it apparently becoming your problem now. But now that you're here, let's go with it.  I am glad you are going to help me find the man of my dreams.  I'll explain him for you so that your job is easier:

He will be rich - not "old money" though those guys can be snobby, but new money from a cool venture capital firm he started after dropping out of an Ivy League College and traveling the country backpacking to "find himself." That way we have money to travel but he'll have to take calls where he uses phrases like, "Let's table that for now, I have to go bang my girl." or "Let's take that offline.  I need to go have angry sex with my woman."

He'll be sophisticated but granola that speaks four languages and can fix my computer AND my sink all while wearing sandals.  He'll own a good set of kettle bells and BBQ well.  He'll be about 6'2" and will look like Ryan Reynolds with abs that are hypnotizing but he'll have a scar on his chin or eyebrow to look more rugged and so that he's not prettier than me.  He'll run and climb, swim - but not shave all his body hair or wear shorty shorts when he runs.  He won't pop his collar or wear jeans with jewels on the pockets or shirts made by Ed Hardy.  If he has an earring or expresses an interest in getting one, it's over.

He will like live music, he'll sing and dance but not well.  It needs to be cute that he tries.  He needs to call me pretty and believe it... and he needs to be able to pour a mean Cabernet, make a filthy dirty martini, and order the perfect beer with dinner.  Can he only speak when spoken too?  Oh, and size does matter.

How is that?  There is more, but this is a good start.  Good luck with your search.  I'll be waiting.  Thanks for thinking of me and finding my dream man.


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