I was sent a quiz by a friend entitled: What are your chances of surviving an intense lovemaking session with Big Foot?
Like any normal person, I immediately put down the work I was doing and began the quiz. It’s just that important to know these kinds of things. I hike a great deal and knowing the survival percentage for such an experience seemed quite important for me to know. I’m providing this information to you as a public service announcement. In advance, You’re welcome.
The first of ten questions asked:
1. Suppose a large forest-dwelling creature (ie: bigfoot) sat on your face, how long do you think you could hold your breath?
A. A long time, maybe 3 minutes or more. I often get sat on by cows, large people, farm equipment, etc.
B. My lungs are pretty strong, maybe 1-2 minutes?
C. Not long, I'm a smoker or I have no experience being suffocated by large, hairy beasts
I realized at this point that this was going to not only tell me my chances of surviving a romp with Big Foot but would also probably just teach me a lot about me.
Question 5 inquired as to whether or not someone has made me their “bitch” before (in prison or otherwise.) In an effort to maintain complete transparency in our burgeoning blogger/reader relationship, I did have to think about this one for a few minutes. They didn’t specify if being made a “bitch” was situational and/or occasionally voluntary, so I struggled with the versioning of the question. No worries, I submitted an email addressing those wording concerns to the company administering the quiz. At press time I had not gotten a response.
When I was asked if I had ever slept with anyone who smelled like pine cones and rabbit blood, I had an easy time answering. And in terms of physical strength I was able to happily answered “several times a week” when they inquired as to the regularity of my squatting and deadlifting as part of my fitness routine.
After clicking submit after question 10, I was given my results: 27% and then told to watch my ass the next time I’m hiking. After immediately checking all the locks on my doors, I retook the quiz assuming the logarithm must have been wrong. My second score was to the tune of: 29%. Eff.
I’m not sure if I’m offended or relieved, but I have always been an overachiever, regardless the subject matter. So, Big Foot that means I’m coming for you, and FYI, my prison nickname was Bam Bam.