Friday, July 22, 2011

Life Lessons I Learned From the Bar (I Can't Remember Them All...)

The bar has historically served, well alcohol, but also as a place for people to come together, try to coerce each other into getting naked, and then generally feeling really stupid about it in the morning.  Who you are when you arrive is not the same person you are when you leave and who you arrive with isn't normally who you leave with either... 
A Google Maps search
of "bars".  Thank you Google
Maps.  Thank you.

The bar, be it a pub, sports bar, dive, club, music hall, or any other establishment that pours the sauce (I'm looking at you Ruby Tuesday) has become a right of passage and the lessons we've learned are worth passing along.

Personally, I learned that the juke box isn't a direct message from God to me.  The songs that come were not written with me in mind nor was my life the inspiration for the lyrics.  They are also not instructional in nature.  This means "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is neither a message about a former lover missing me nor is it a directive for me to literally "Turn around."  

I've learned that dancing while drinking is a calculated risk.  Dancing with heels on is dangerous so removing your shoes is an option, but you risk forgetting them and stepping in something nasty.

Giving out a fake name/phone number combination can end badly when you see them at Panera two weeks later at lunchtime and in front of your co-workers he says, "Jasmine, why didn't you call me back? That wild make out session in the bathroom hallway at Lit was one of the most meaningful four minutes of my life."

I've learned that my pool playing and dart throwing improves incrementally with each drink and then once I hit an unknown critical mass I am a danger to myself and others holding a pool cue or a handful of darts.

The Dream Team contributed to this one, in what will undoubtedly be a series of posts.  I had no idea how much we all learned from the bar and how much content we would have to work with.  This, in turn, taught ME two things:
1. My friends and I probably drink too much.
2. The bar is an excellent investment in one's education.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Dream Team:

Travis Harris: 'Just one more then close my tab' means 'don't close the tab.  I'll be here for a while.'   

If the conversation with a stranger starts with a) so what do you do? Or b) what do you drive? Always lie. 

Giving yourself a pep talk in front of the mirror in the restroom to 'sober up' 'be cool' or 'stop swearing so much' will do no good. Get out there and offer to buy a round of shots.

I don't care how hungry you are when you get home. Do not use the oven. Bad things happen. 

Thinking 'one more drink and then I'll go talk to her' means she's way out of your league. She will order top shelf for herself and two friends then promptly walk away when you offer to buy her a drink. Just stay where you are, buy you friends some tequila, and talk about football. 

Perfect Wingman
Kim Payne
No matter what, someone will ALWAYS see you do the walk of shame, always.  And they will tell others. 

Buying a new pair of 4” heels (regardless of how hot you may look) the same day you go out….has broken ankle, blistered feet, or in Carrie’s case, missing toenails written all over it.  (All these scenarios have, in fact, happened)

Jason Jaksetic:
The hot bartender doesn't like you.  She likes your tips.

The hot bartender at the strip club definitely is not in love with you.  She wants your cash.

As interesting as it may sound to you at the moment NO ONE cares what your ex named your penis!

In the morning don't panic: you aren't the first asshole to get so drunk that you left the bar without closing the tab or getting you credit card back. They have standard protocols for idiots like you. You'll find you card at bar with receipt for 20% gratuity.

Listen young fella, the greatest day in my life was when I secured both a pub bar tender's and a strip club bartender's REAL name and REAL number in one night while subsequently dating them both before the week was out. That, my friend, was better than a degree from Harvard, a Chateau in the Alps, and a Dukedom in Italy rolled into one!

Maurya looks like she
belongs on the cover
of a vampire book in
this picture....
Maurya Scanlon:
Beer goggles don't exist in Maurya-land. But gin goggles certainly do.

British accents are far more accurate when I've been drinking.

Watching King Arthur/ Camelot movies PROVE to me that I was born in the wrong story.

I need you to know the four remedies that I have in my life for a bad day: pedicures, massages, gin/wine, and working out. Today is a 3 of 4.

Drag bars in NYC are where the gods of comedy take residence.

Katy McCabe:
Gin isn't a chaser....neither are cheese filled Oscar Meyers.

Katy McCabe re-hydrating post
If you having trouble spotting that obnoxious overly intoxicated "wohoo" girl who has absolutely no idea where she left her cell phone, lip gloss or dignity... it's because she's you.

Just take the drink...they wont be buying them for you forever.

Bartenders are strippers with less student loans...dont really like you they just want your money and they LOATHE that you know their first name.

Yes...barstools were designed that way on purpose its less entertaining when people fall off perfectly stable non rotating seats

Niki's cat Stitch.  No reason.
Niki Kenney:
Drinks add 2 years of confidence to a woman, but take away 5 years of maturity when you're a man. Do the math before taking them home.
Your dance moves don't look as good as you think they do from far away.

No matter how many times you've worn those shoes and swear they're comfortable, you're feet become different feet when you step inside the bar.

The guy did just bump into you accidentally, he wasn't trash talking your entire family and looking for a fight.

Give tips in increments of 10, your brain can actually handle that math no matter how many drinks in.

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