Real Text Messages I’ve Gotten This Week

 
"I’m drinking and watching Camelot.  If I don’t have sex soon, I’m going to be a lesbian.”
“Talk me out of walking to the store to buy celery and hummus.”
“I’m stalking you.  You should take a picture and post it on FB.”
“Ummmm….I’m not going to lie….I was soooo drunk when I was there.  I don’t remember.”
“An old client brought a donut in this morning and I ate it.  I hate myself.  Tell me I’m pretty.”
“Living in a barn is annoying sometimes.”
“Ugggg the cop wanted to chit chat about my concealed weapons permit and what I carry.”
“He got chalk all over my ass and belayed for me all night.”
“I’m drinking.  I might be gay in an hour.”
“I think someone took my car.  I’m okay with that.  It needed gas and a wash.”
“Do you have my purse?  I really need my morning after pill and I’m not going to my pharmacy twice in two days for that shit.” 
“I just got a text that said, “Hey you.”  from “Might Blow Later” why did I give him that name in my phone and what do I say back?”