Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Suck at Traveling, Why Sky Mall is Dumb/Awesome and I Drool Sometimes

IMAG0714I travel with my job and frequently find myself ill prepared for the trip.  Two recent trips seemed to have a religious theme, I saw the same pair of nuns on both my flights and then shared a few beers with a priest from Boston.  He was rad, and I bought the beers just in case God was keeping score.  I have sat next to foreign diplomats, manufacturing plant managers, rugby players, ultra runners, moms, students heading to college, air marshals, and I generally have a good time with whoever has the misfortune of having me sit next to them. 

A recent flight to Vermont via D.C. had some of the worst traveling luck and this is coming from a person who once got stuck in Milwaukee at midnight with one credit card that got demagnetized by the Novelty Statue of Liberty magnet I was buying my kids so I had no hotel, no money, and no flight out of the airport for 12 hours.  Yes, this trip trumped that one in so many ways.  Here is just one example. 

While flying to D.C. I had to make a connecting flight out of Detroit.  I was seated in the middle seat next to a young, attractive man, and a rather large woman.  The younger guy immediately fell asleep and I had nothing but Sky Mall to keep my company. 
Here are my observations:
This little invention is meant to protect the wearer from unwanted germs while being stylish.  I am not sure how they book models for these shoots and how they explain to them what they’ll be doing once they arrive, but I imagine, regardless of the intentions of the inventor, this woman is ultimately marketing the product towards a highly niched market of terrorists, muggers, and bank robbers… but ones that care about how fashionable they look while terrorizing unsuspecting people.  I don’t know about you, but I really appreciate a stylish criminal.

While this next product is clearly intended for a safe exit from your house in the case of an emergency, I believe this is a must-have for dating singles.  Kept easily in your purse, it can be used to make a quick escape the next morning.  I plan on keeping this on my person at all times.  So Sky Mall’s attempt at giving families a tool for a safe exit from a fire or burglary gives me the confidence to go on ill-advised dates and make ninja-like escapes when they go badly.

This woman is marketing a product that is supposed to keep your head elevated while sleeping so you can do so in comfort and without slumping over onto the person next to you.  You may laugh, this woman does, in fact, look dead but I have some experience in this department and only wish I had one of my own at the time.  Remember the cute guy on the flight next to me?  Well, after sitting in boredom for an hour of the flight next to “sleeping cute guy” and “large reading woman” I decided to take a nap.  Putting my chair back the inch and a half the chair allows I crossed my arms and closed my eyes.  I was asleep almost instantly. 

I’m not sure how long I was sleeping when I was awaked by a sharp kick to my ankle.  He spasmed in his sleep kicking me and we both woke up at the same time.  Horrified, I realized that while asleep, I had slumped over and was sleeping, mouth open on his arm.  He was wearing a crisp button down shirt that was now wet from my drool and stained slightly pink from my lip gloss.  We noticed it simultaneously and he spent the next 20 minutes avoiding eye contact and I spent the next 20 minutes trying to not die from embarrassment. 

IMAG0763That same trip involved a delay in every airport I spent any time in (Thanks Delta Airlines for your commitment to horrific customer service and thoroughly enjoying your complete lack of personality and a seeming indifference to all good things.  At one point,  I believe I asked a service representative if she had a soul), a 3 hour internment at a Park and Ride in Red Hooks New York (I did learn that coffee cups make excellent beer koozies in a pinch) and over 40 collective transit hours over the course of 4 days. 

When I finally arrived home, four hours later than scheduled, I immediately ordered the neck brace aka “anti-drool sleeper” and also this wine transporter and portable glass set.  Practical, functional, and the perfect way to forget about drooling on an attractive perfect stranger, pass meaningful times in airports and parking lots in rural New York.  I’ll never travel again without it.  I’ve even offered to be a product tester.  I’m awaiting confirmation from Sky Mall….

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