Adult Women’s Rules to Dating… Volume I

I like lists, and rules, and lists of rules and so this just seemed the way to go.  In this day and age, it's nearly impossible to try to date like a "normal" person.  I don't even know what that is anymore.  Online dating, distance dating, blended families, it gets really complicated really quick - and that's just the environment never mind finding the right guy!

So, in the quest of love, many, many people have sought out my advice.  Clearly these people don't know me well or they'd know better, but I've started a list.  It was born from the following questions.

Dear Carrie,
I’ve been talking to this guy and he calls me every few days and we’ve gotten drinks a couple times but it’s really hot and cold.  We have a lot of fun when we hang out but then days will go by and I don’t hear from him.  I think he’s busy with work and so I don’t want to pressure him but I like him a lot.  What do I do?
-J.K.
Dear Carrie,
My ex and I broke up (his decision) out of nowhere but we still talk all the time.  He texts me, calls me, all the time and it’s just like things were before except he won’t commit to me.  I think he’s talking to other girls too… but we were together for 3 years.  I don’t understand.  What would you do?
-MM


In lieu of answering these directly I give you my Adult Women’s Rules to Dating… Volume I.  I assure my male readers that it’s not a man bash.  I have known and still know many GREAT men, awesome men, fantastic men who just weren’t the right man for me as a partner.  It doesn’t mean that they suck (although some of them have admittedly sucked pretty bad.) 

1. As a grown woman, I will not overanalyze a man’s behavior.  If I have to wonder how he feels he probably isn’t that interested.  And that’s okay.  It doesn’t mean I suck. 

2. As a grown woman, I will not make excuses for a grown man’s behavior.  If his words and promises aren’t followed through by his actions I won’t stick around to find out or overanalyze (again with the overanalyzing) why.  It doesn’t mean I suck.

3. As a grown woman, I will not play games or pretend to be something I’m not.  For example, if I don’t like pro wrestling or professional basketball, if I actually love Meg Ryan movies and collect stuffed animals and adore cheap beer I will own it.  If I color code my closet, can’t drive a stick, can eat an entire pizza by myself, and stay home on Friday nights to watch PBS specials, I’ll make no effort to hide it.   It doesn’t mean I suck. 

4. As a grown woman, if and when I decide to be naked in front of a man I won’t apologize for not looking like I did when I was 18.  I won’t stand self consciously for one single solitary moment.  If I have stretch marks from babies or less than perky boobs or a flat ass, I won’t fret about it.  It doesn’t mean I suck.

5. As a grown woman, if I am made to feel unhappy, or am made to feel like shit, or I question the relationship I am in I will do what I need to in order to find peace and be happy.  And that might mean I’m alone.  And alone is actually okay. It doesn’t mean I suck.

6. As a grown woman, I won’t expect anyone else to make me happy.  That’s my job.  A man should just add to my already full life and if it leads to better personal hygiene and a few date nights a week more the better for everyone involved.

In short.  You don’t suck.  Don’t ever be with someone or in a situation where you have to question that.  While it’s fun to try to figure out the men who come and go in our convoluted love lives it puts the pyscho back in psychoanalyze.  And let’s be honest, no one wants to date the crazy chick.

So J.K. – see rule 1.  You don’t suck. 
M.M. – see rule 5.  You also don’t suck.