Everyone is posting these "I'm grateful for" posts and they are so nice and sweet... but I want to see someone bust out with something like, "I'm grateful for bondage tape, edible underwear, and riding crops, without which, my relationship would be far less interesting. Thank you Adult Entertainment Industry." I haven't seen one like that yet and doubt that I will. So, I decided to write one of my own. There are thirteen of them.
2. I'm thankful for the dumb people that I encounter every so often who give me hope that maybe my stress and headaches are a byproduct of having a functioning brain in my head.
3. I’m grateful for bacon and coffee. I’m grateful for having coffee and bacon at the same time.
4. I am grateful for all the things in my closet with a “Must be 18 years of age or older to purchase” label.
5. I am grateful for touching moments in public with my children. Like tonight, when my four-year-old stood up in the back of the cart in her footie pajamas in front of the cereal and yelled, “Jesus Christ mom, I just want some Cheerios!”
6. I am grateful for ninjas and all the jokes that I use because they exist and are so rad.
7. I am grateful for emoticons so that when I don’t know what to say in an awkward conversation, I can always defer to an “lol” with a smiley and not sound like a dick. Emoticons are also helpful in passive aggressive conversations when you want to say “fuck you” but instead you insert a and they know what you mean but can’t call you on it.
8. I am grateful that my nine year old is so easy to manipulate when it comes to bad words in songs so I can buy the explicit versions. For example, in the song, “Moves Like Jagger” I’ve convinced my nine-year-old that when he says, “I don’t give a fuck” he’s actually saying, “I don’t give it up.” I like my music with eff words.
9. I am grateful that my friend who does my Brazilian waxes doesn’t judge me when I take shots of Malibu before, during, and after.
10. I am grateful for yoga and Pilates. [insert sex joke here]
11. I am grateful for foam swords and all their uses and applications.
12. I am grateful for the word, “fuck” and any word I can easily make an “s” a “z'” even though it makes me sound like a douche.
13. I am grateful for the word douche.