As has become a theme in my life, the people around me are trying to find ways to partner me up and marry me off. Apparently, It’s a sad state of affairs for me to be single and 30 with two growing children. Despite my full time job, my awesome friends, fun sports and events, and busy lifestyle; to my friends and family, my being single MUST make me miserable. It’s at least once or twice a week I hear, “I have this guy friend from my gym you just have to meet!” or “This guy from my work would be perfect for you.” or, “My brother is getting a divorce, I should totally introduce you two!”
Notwithstanding their well-intentioned proposed intros, I’ve been down this path before, hell I’ve been the one making the offers to my other single friends! There is always something awkward about these conversations. Well, in my head anyway. There is the offer with a brief description immediately followed by an unknown catch that is never forthcoming. It involves the rationale for the match up and there are two things that I always wonder immediately:
1. What AREN’T they telling me about him?
2. What AREN’T they telling me about why they thought of me?
Let’s take the first example: “I have this guy friend from the gym you have to meet!” Here is the rest of the story she’s not telling me: “He stands in front of the mirror and stares at his own abs while taking two and a half hours to work a singular muscle group. He wears Affliction gear, gets man tans, and flexes constantly…But it’s a gym and you like gyms so it’s a match!”
Why she thought of me, “You live at the gym and are socially awkward with most men when you ask them about their cardio and how much they can dead lift. Your casual mention of lost toenails, using Astroglide for chafing, and peeing in wetsuits is gross. All you eat is bacon and guacamole. I have no idea who speaks your language but this guy seems to know his way around a weight room. There may be hope there.”
Or the, “This guy from my work would be perfect for you.” The untold story: “He has a full time job, but I think he has a drinking problem and that’s why he’s never been married or had a sustainable relationship. But he’s single, and he’s your age, and he made a comment the other day that he knows how to iron his own shirts, so that’s something.”
What he’s thinking about me. “I don’t know what you do all day at your house but every time I call you, you are wearing jammies and no bra during hours where everyone I know is wearing a tie. A guy with a 9-5 might make you put on some lip gloss from time, leave your house in real clothes, and maybe even paint your toenails.”
Or my favorite, family members being offered up! He says, “My brother is getting a divorce, I should totally introduce you two!” What he’s thinking, “He’s my brother so I can overlook the fact that he cheated on his current wife with a waitress from Chili’s. He’s normally a really good guy and he always gets me great seats to the Chief’s games so that must mean something.”
Translation: “Well, shit, Carrie. You’re divorced already so you must have sucked at something or you’d still be married. He’s a man, and he’s available (well almost available) so get on board. Maybe your two inadequacies with your former spouses will translate into the perfect combination with each other. You can put the fun back in dysfunction.”
While I love my friends and family for trying, I am fairly certain that finding my own love mismatches is sufficient for the time being. I’ve gotten very good at finding all the wrong men without any assistance at all! It’s become like a mad dash to see who sucks first… I’m always near the head of the pack. And at the end of the day, my life is pretty good and I’m in no hurry to find a person that I can spend the rest of my life tormenting mercilessly and being tormented by in return.