Friday, December 30, 2011

Llama Herding and My Dreams

llama_613_600x450I was recently emailed by a man named Jack Liu from Fence about my grassland fencing needs.  I thought it would be a great time to explore my dreams of llama herding and so I sent Mr. Liu or as I refer to him, “Export Administrator” for information.  Here is the conversation (so far).  I do hope he responds. 

Dear Import Manager

Chinese farm fence factory main produce Galvanized wire, field fence (farm fence; grassland fence; ranch fence;fence post), pole and barbed wire.  Grassland fence is made from high-tensile galvanized wireUsage of grassland fence: grassland build, road construction; fixed-point graze and separate feeding. In the meantime, the fence can be used for family-owned ranch/farm with peasant and herdsman.  We can supply the standard size and also produce as you required.  If any of them interested of you, please send Inquiry to this email.

Best Regards,

Jack Liu


Naturally, I responded.

Dear Jack,

I can call you Jack, right? After all, you refer to me as “Import Manager” which only my closest friends use in every day conversation.  Or I could just refer to you as “Export Administrator” for the remainder of this email.  And I noticed that you requested a “Read” receipt for your message.  I like that you’re not only emailing me, but also keeping tabs on when I open and read your email.   It’s like organizing the creepiness. 

You seem to know a lot about my interests, Export Administrator, and this email couldn’t have come at a more serendipitous time.  I’m always thinking of increasing my property value.  My backyard couldn’t support cows, sheep or llamas… although llamas would be fun.  Did you know that most llamas are excellent packers and can carry an average of 80 lbs. or 25% of their body weight. Although my frame of reference for most llama facts is the movie The Emperor’s New Groove, one my daughter’s favorite cartoon movies where the spoiled king, voiced by David Spade, gets turned into a llama by an evil advisor and spends the entire movie going through hilarious antics to turn back into a human and finding his heart along the way.  It's actually quite funny…but the really funny person in the movie is Kronk.  He’s voiced by the guy from Seinfeld who dated Elaine…the born again Christian, and a face-painting New Jersey Devils fan.  I am not a big fan of New Jersey.  I once had a bag of bagels stolen from me at the Newark Airport.  I mean, who steals bagels?  Anyway, that actor is doing all the Honda commercials now.  I think he had a show on TV for a while but I don’t think it’s on anymore.  I don’t know his real name though.  Do you?  It’s going to drive me crazy until I figure out his name.

I digress, Export Administrator.  Now that we’re friends, I can tell you that I probably can’t have llamas or any other herding animal on my land right now except for maybe cats but then it would only deepen the depressing nature of my being single.  I’d have to go buy a lot of sweater vests and I’m just not ready to give up on love. 

Well, I have to get back to my full-time job but I’ll hold the dream of a llama farm in my heart and keep your email in the rolodex when my fencing needs arise.  “High-tensile galvanized wire” sounds fancy.   In the meantime, I look forward to the required email read receipt I’ve attached to this message. 

Kindest Regards,

Import Manager

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